Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
