OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
