Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
