Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
