And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
