How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
