Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
