I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize