My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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