Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
