forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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