i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize