take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
