Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
