I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
