I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
