yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
