I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
