you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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