You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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