your thong is hanging out like whoa
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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