Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
