I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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