Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
