I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
