i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
