Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Did we literally take a cab across the street
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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