Betty ford says i'm here all night
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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