While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
