just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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