I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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