I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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