at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize