if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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