The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize