Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
