you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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