i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
