I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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