we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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