this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
