wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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