dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
