You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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