If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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