theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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