So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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