hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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