I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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