So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
