FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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