so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
