so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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