so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
