I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
