i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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