FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize