we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
